…and each time they gossip and spill tea, and do their makeup, and each time before they leave they write a message on the mirror with their lipstick. Sometimes they write the name of the boy they like, sometimes draw a hand giving the world the finger. every day at the end of the day, the sad old janitor comes in to the bathroom and scrubs the lipstick away. eventually after many days, the principal calls the 3 girls down 5th period after a student snitched. the principal takes them to the bathroom and calls over the janitor. There is already the frowning face drawn in lipstick from 4th period and the girls looked at it and sneered and laughed. the principal says “apologize to the janitor for making him clean up your mess!” and the girls just rolled their eyes.

so the principal says to the girls, “now watch what you put the poor janitor through every day!” and so the janitor shrugs, takes his sponge, goes to the toilet, submerges the sponge in the toilet, comes back to the mirror and scrubs the lipstick away.

 

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. 

As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding.

Can I see your driver's license?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.

Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross the center line back there."

"Can I see your registration please?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.

She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. 

As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time, he's stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no...... not the Breathalyzer again!"

Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says:

“Your b*tt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.”

With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife’s b0ttom.

“Yes, I was right, your b*tt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!”

The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky.

He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

She answers,

“Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-a$s grill for one little ween!e?

A beautiful woman is sitting next to the little johnny on a plane.

There is terrible turbulence and then the plane goes into a sudden nosedive.

The Captain comes on the intercom and says

“I hate to have to tell you this folk, but we might not walk away from this one.”

Everyone begins to panic except for johnny who sheepishly turns to the woman and says,

“I hate to trouble you miss, but we might die and I’ve never kissed anyone.”

The woman is at first taken aback but after a moment realizes she might as well make the kid happy in their final moments.

She passionately kisses him.

Johnny, elated, goes on,

“Sorry to bother you again after such a lovely kiss, but we might die and I’ve never felt a bre@st.”

Again the woman is taken aback but decides there is no harm in it and slides his hand under her shirt.

After a good long feel, the little Johnny again says

“you’ve been so kind already but please, I don’t want to die never having gotten a bl0w job.”

Already committed to helping this boy have new experiences before they die, the woman smiles and begins to undo his belt.

Just then the plane levels off.

As everyone exits the plane they shake hands with the captain and congratulate him.

The woman walks off the plain she says

“thank you so much for saving us from certain death.”

The Little Johnny shouts

“just a little longer next time dad!”

The TV crew decides to visit a hundred years old man living alone in a cabin in the woods

When they go there they see he is chopping wood and carrying it all by himself.

He is active and healthy and has a body of a forty-year-old man.

They ask him

“What is your secret?” and the old man tells them a story:

“Seventy years ago, there was a huge blizzard that came out of nowhere.

It was winter, but it wasn’t too cold for a week and it was only lightly snowing when suddenly the wind started blowing and the snowing intensified.

I went outside to call my dog when I barely saw a weak light coming from the woods.

Surely someone got lost and was now trying to find a way to safety.

I started calling for my dog, but I knew the lost person would hear me. Sure enough, the light started getting stronger and stronger until finally, I could see a silhouette of a man holding a flashlight.

When he came close enough, I ran to help him. You couldn’t see more than twenty feet and I didn’t want to risk getting myself lost as well. I helped the man get inside the cabin and my dog ran in a few seconds later. I closed the door with great difficulty because the wind was blowing so hard.

I then helped the man get his jacket and boots off and sat him next to the fireplace.

The man was in shock but without injuries. I poured both of us a glass of whiskey to calm down and then a bowl of stew I was preparing.

The man calmed down and started thanking me. He said he really thought he was a dead man until he heard me calling my dog. He gathered last bits of his energy and walked towards the voice.

When we finished eating, we decided to both go to bed. But I only had one bed so we would have to share. No problem, we thought, because it was very cold, and our bodies would keep each other warm.

Well, one thing leads to another and we started touching each other, then kissing and then making love. Even though we were both exhausted from what happened, we made love the whole night and that was the most passionate love I ever made in my life.

In the morning, the weather cleared up and after breakfast, the man put on his jacket, gathered his things and said he had to go.

His wife and three children were expecting him and must be mortified because he didn’t come home. He then gave me the juiciest kiss on the cheeks and left. I watched him go and realized I didn’t even ask his name. That was the last time I saw him.”

The TV crew looked at each other in shock and after a few seconds one of them said:

“No, we meant what is your secret for long and active life.”

“Oh, that?” the man said,

“Clean air, regular exercise, healthy food, no stress… That kind of stuff.”

The police should have known that he might be older, but he’s not any slower!

83 year old Phillip was just going to bed, when his his 81 year old wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garage, which she could see from the bedroom window.

Phillip opened the back door to go turn off the light, but he then saw that there were 3 men breaking into his garage.

He called the police and said, “Get over here quickly, there’s 3 burglars trying to break into my garage on Maple Drive!”

The dispatcher replied, “I see, sir. Is your garage detached from your house?”

He said, “Yes, but never mind that, these bastards are breaking in and stealing from me!”

The police dispatcher said, “All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and stay indoors. An officer will be along when one is available.”

Phillip said, “Okay.”

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he called the police again. “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my garage. Well, you don’t have to worry about them anymore, because I just shot them,” and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at the old man’s residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the police officers said to Phillip, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

Phillip replied, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

Don’t try this at home, Folks!

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.

 

Years later, they get back together to discuss the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother for her 90th Birthday.

 

The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”

 

The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”

 

The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat.  You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can’t see very well.  I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible.  It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him.  I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it.  Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.”

 

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:

 

“Milton,” she wrote the first son, “The house you built is so huge.  I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”

 

“Marvin,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes.  And the driver is so rude!”

 

“Dearest Melvin,” she wrote to her third son, “You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious.”

 

A state trooper pulled over a car going just 19 miles per hour on the highway. As the officer approached the car, he noticed it was two elderly women and they both looked very pale and wide-eyed.

“Good afternoon ladies. Do you know why I am pulling you over?” asked the trooper.

“I’m terribly sorry if I did something wrong but I know I was not speeding” said the driver.

“Well, that is true, you weren’t speeding…but you were going entirely too slow on a highway and that is equally as dangerous.”

“No, Officer. I was going exactly the speed limit…19 miles per hour!”

The trooper laughed a little to himself. “Mam’, this is Highway 19. That is not the speed limit, but simply the name of this highway.”

Very embarressed, the elderly driver grinned and thanked the trooper over and over for informing her of the mistake.

“But before I let you go, I have to ask… are you guys feeling okay? You both look awfully shaken.”

“Oh sure, we will be fine. We just got off of Highway 120”