Bubba and Billy Joe were on vacation, walking downtown, window shopping, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.99 each, shirts $1.99 each, trousers $2.49 each.

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Lookee here! We could buy a whole gob o’ these, take ‘em back to Georgia, sell 'em and make a fortune.

 Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us.”

Now, I'll talk in a slow Texas drawl so's they don't know we is from Georgia."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Texas drawl, “I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.99, 100 of them there shirts at $1.99, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.39. I'll back up my pickup and...."

"The owner of the shop interrupts, "Y'all from Georgia, ain't ya?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba. "How come y'all knowed that?"

"Because this is a Dry-Cleaners." 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣👍👍🙈

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. 

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. 

Over the next few minutes, he explained that his company had gone through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go - It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. 

Then, she showed him stock certificates issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were the largest stockholders in the bank. 

She explained that for 30 years, she had charged him for sex and these holdings were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!". 

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

 

Mrs Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, ‘Top o’ the mornin’ To ye! Aren’t ye Mrs Donovan And didn’t I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?’

She replied, ‘Aye, that ye did, Father.’

The Father asked, ‘And be there Any wee little ones yet?’

She replied, ‘No, not yet, Father.’

The Father said,

‘Well now, I’m going to Rome next week And I’ll light a fertility candle for ye And yer husband.’

She replied, ‘Oh, thank ye, Father…’ They then parted ways..

Some years later they met again.

The Father asked, ‘Well now, Mrs Donovan, how are ye these days?’

She replied, ‘Oh, very well, Father!’

The Father asked, ‘And tell me, Have ye any wee ones yet?’

She replied, ‘Oh yes, Father!

Two sets of twins and six singles, Ten in all!’

The Father said, ‘That’s wonderful!

And how is yer loving hoosband doing?’

She replied, ‘E’s gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin’ candle!!!

 

After World War II, an American soldier was going back to London from the front.

He was on a very crowded train and was looking for a seat, but the only empty one was next to an older lady, and she had her pet poodle on it.

He said, “Please, madam, I’m very tired. May I please sit here?”

The lady replied, “No. My precious little poodle, Miss Fluffy, is sitting here.”

The soldier walked the length of the train again with no luck,

so he went back to the same seat next to the same woman and said,

“Please, Madam, I have been fighting at the front for months, my feet hurt and I’m very tired. May I please sit here?”

The woman told him, “I cannot believe how rude you are! I have already told you that my darling little Miss Fluffy is sitting here.”

At that, the American lost his temper, picked up the poodle and threw it out the window.

An elderly man who was sitting across the compartment looked at the American soldier and said,

“You Americans do everything wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you eat with the wrong hand and now you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!”

A farmer had 5 female pigs but times were hard and he needed a solution.

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decided to drive 30 miles each morning and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon (the only vehicle he had) and drove the 30 miles.

While the pigs were in the field mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they'll be pregnant. If they're lying in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week and the farmers were worn out.

The next morning, one was too tired to even get out of bed. So he called out to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "They're in the station wagon. And one of them is honking the horn."

 

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

funny-grandma.com

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:

“Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry about that! I’m dating Susan!”

 

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

“Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night.” the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies,

“Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.” funny-grandma.com

The mailman thinks a moment and says,

“How do you play that?”

“Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our “privates” showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”

The mailman laughs and says,

“Damn, I’m sorry I missed that.”

Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responds. “Your name came up four or five times.”

Every "last nickle"

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.

He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father

realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him

on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue

business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and

sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks

up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places

it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way,

unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of

the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first

and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses

violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly

catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the

father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a

word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the

father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,

"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was

fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."