A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror.

However, this does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

Then one day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now saying that her b**bs are too small.

So the husband comes up with a suggestion, “If you want to grow larger, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your b**bs for a few seconds.”

Goes to fetch paper Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper.
And then once again, she stands in front of the mirror, this time rubbing paper continuously.

“How long will this take?” she asks.

“They’ll grow slightly larger every day over the years,” he replies.

The wife stops, turns to him and says,
“Wait, why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my b**bs every day will make larger over the years?”

The husband shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your bums, didn’t it?

 

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket.

He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, “I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets.

Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day.”

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “If you don't believe me then watch,” as he throws the lobsters back into the water.

The warden says, “Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water.”

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “What lobsters ?”

 

Little Johnny Comes Home From School. –

Little Johnny comes home from school one day.

As he’s walking to his room, he passes his mother’s room and notices that she’s lying naked on the bed, rubbing herself while moaning

“I need a man, I need a man”

The next day, when Little Johnny comes home from school, he passes his mother’s room again, and this time she’s lying naked on the bed with a naked man on top of her.

Immediately, Little Johnny runs to his room, takes off all his clothes and starts rubbing himself while moaning

“I need a bike, I need a bike”

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.

He asks, “What was that for?”

She says, “I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Betty Sue written on it.”

He says, “Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? Betty Sue was the name of the horse I went there to bet on.”

She shrugs and walks away.

Three days later he is reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.

He asks, “What was that for?”

She answers, “Your horse called.”

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit… The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed.

She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, ‘I don’t care what it costs, but have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’ The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly…

She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied… You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful.

How much did you spend?’ To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

‘There’s no charge,’ she says. ‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!’ she says.

‘Honestly,’ the blonde says, ‘it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.

I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.’ ‘

So I just switched the heads.’

A blonde wanting to earn extra money decided to do odd jobs for her wealthy neighbors.

At the first house, the owner said, “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”

“$50” she replies

The man agrees and gives her the paint and brushes and goes back in the house.

The man’s wife overheard their conversation and asked him if she had realized that the porch goes all around the house.

“She should. She was standing on it”

A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’ve finished already?” the man asked.

“Yeah, and i had paint left over so i gave two coats.”

Impressed the man reaches for the money.

“And by the way,” the blonde added, “it’s not a porch. Its a Lexus.”

A gynecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive…

Long

After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax.

After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring.

It’s the patient, who arrives all embarrassed and apologizes for the delay.

“It doesn’t matter,” answers the doctor.

“Look, I was having a gin and tonic while waiting. Do you want one to help you relax?”

“I accept, thanks!” She answers.

He gives her a drink, sits down in front of her and they start talking.

Suddenly someone is heard opening the entrance office door.

The doctor looks worried, gets up, and says:

“My wife! Quick, take off your clothes and spread your l**, otherwise, she might think there is some nonsense going on!”

A husband exclaims to his wife one day,

“Your bum is getting really big.

It’s bigger than the BBQ grill!”

Later that night in bed,

the husband makes some advances towards his wife

who completely brushes him off.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

She answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-a*s grill for one little weenie?”