The police should have known that he might be older, but he’s not any slower!

83 year old Phillip was just going to bed, when his his 81 year old wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garage, which she could see from the bedroom window.

Phillip opened the back door to go turn off the light, but he then saw that there were 3 men breaking into his garage.

He called the police and said, “Get over here quickly, there’s 3 burglars trying to break into my garage on Maple Drive!”

The dispatcher replied, “I see, sir. Is your garage detached from your house?”

He said, “Yes, but never mind that, these bastards are breaking in and stealing from me!”

The police dispatcher said, “All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and stay indoors. An officer will be along when one is available.”

Phillip said, “Okay.”

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he called the police again. “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my garage. Well, you don’t have to worry about them anymore, because I just shot them,” and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at the old man’s residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the police officers said to Phillip, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

Phillip replied, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

Don’t try this at home, Folks!

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.

 

Years later, they get back together to discuss the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother for her 90th Birthday.

 

The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”

 

The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”

 

The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat.  You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can’t see very well.  I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible.  It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him.  I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it.  Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.”

 

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:

 

“Milton,” she wrote the first son, “The house you built is so huge.  I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”

 

“Marvin,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes.  And the driver is so rude!”

 

“Dearest Melvin,” she wrote to her third son, “You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious.”

 

A state trooper pulled over a car going just 19 miles per hour on the highway. As the officer approached the car, he noticed it was two elderly women and they both looked very pale and wide-eyed.

“Good afternoon ladies. Do you know why I am pulling you over?” asked the trooper.

“I’m terribly sorry if I did something wrong but I know I was not speeding” said the driver.

“Well, that is true, you weren’t speeding…but you were going entirely too slow on a highway and that is equally as dangerous.”

“No, Officer. I was going exactly the speed limit…19 miles per hour!”

The trooper laughed a little to himself. “Mam’, this is Highway 19. That is not the speed limit, but simply the name of this highway.”

Very embarressed, the elderly driver grinned and thanked the trooper over and over for informing her of the mistake.

“But before I let you go, I have to ask… are you guys feeling okay? You both look awfully shaken.”

“Oh sure, we will be fine. We just got off of Highway 120”

  

So I am at Walmart scanning and bagging my almost $300 worth of groceries while the employee that wants $15 an hour "monitors" and then this happened.

Her - why are you double bagging all of your groceries?

Me - excuse me?

Her - you are wasting our bags!

Me - if you don't like the way I'm bagging the groceries, feel free to come on over here and bag them yourself.

Her - that's not my job!

Me - okay, then I will bag my groceries how I please if that's all right with you.

Her - why are you using two bags?!

Me - because the bags are weak and I don't want the handles to break or the bottoms to rip out.

Her - well that's because you are putting too much stuff in the bag. If you took half of that stuff out and put it in a different bag then you wouldn't need to double bag.

*10 seconds of me just staring at her.

Me - so you want me to split these items in half and put half of them in a different bag so that I don't have to double bag.

Her - exactly.

Me - so I would still be using two bags to hold the same number of items.

Her - no because you wouldn't be double bagging.

*me pressing two fingers to my left eye in an attempt to make it stop twitching.

Me - okay so here I have a jug of milk and a bottle of juice double bagged. If I take the milk out and remove the double bagging and just put the milk in the single bag and the juice in that single bag I'm still using two bags for these two items.

Her- no because you are not double bagging them so it's not the same number of bags.

*me looking around at about 10 other customers who at this point are enjoying the show.

Me- is this like that Common Core math stuff I keep hearing about?

Her- never mind you just don't get it.

And with that, she went back to her little Podium so she could continue texting or playing games on her phone or whatever it was she was doing before she decided to come over and critique my bagging skills.😂