Joke Title: Who Needs Prayers? A lady approaches a priest and tells 

him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, 

but they only know how to say one thing. They keep saying “Hi, we’re

 hot. Do you want a date?” “That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed. “But I 

do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my

 house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots,… to 

whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then 

teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female

 parrots will learn to pray and worship.” So the next day, the lady 

brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. The priest’s two male 

parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady 

puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and 

the female parrots say, “Hi, we’re hot. Do you want a date?” One male 

parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, * * * * * * * * * 

* * * * “Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered !!!!!!

 

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class…

“Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”

Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”

Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued. “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind.  Two, you didn’t read your homework…

… And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.” 

 

A 70-year-Old Retired Military officer had one Hobby….. He loved to Fish.

He was sitting in His Boat the other Day when He heard

A voice says, ‘Pick Me Up.’

He looked around and couldn’t see Anyone.

He thought He was Dreaming

When He heard the Voice say again,

”Pick me up. ‘

He looked in the Water and There…Floating on the top, was a Frog.

The Retd Officer said,

‘Are You talking to Me?’

The Frog said,

‘Yes, I’m talking to You. Pick Me up, then Kiss Me; and I’ll turn into the Most Beautiful Woman you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that all Your friends will be envious and jealous because I will be Your Bride!’

The Retired Officer looked at the Frog for a short time, reached over…..Picked it up Carefully and…….

Placed it in His Shirt Pocket.

The Frog said,

‘What, are you Nuts?

Didn’t You hear what I Said?’

I said, ‘Kiss me,

And I will be Your Beautiful Bride.’

He opened His Pocket,

Looked at the Frog and said,

‘Nah. I’d Rather like to have a Talking Frog

Than a Nagging Wife..

With Age Comes Wisdom & Experience

Bubba and Billy Joe were on vacation, walking downtown, window shopping, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.99 each, shirts $1.99 each, trousers $2.49 each.

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Lookee here! We could buy a whole gob o’ these, take ‘em back to Georgia, sell 'em and make a fortune.

 Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us.”

Now, I'll talk in a slow Texas drawl so's they don't know we is from Georgia."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Texas drawl, “I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.99, 100 of them there shirts at $1.99, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.39. I'll back up my pickup and...."

"The owner of the shop interrupts, "Y'all from Georgia, ain't ya?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba. "How come y'all knowed that?"

"Because this is a Dry-Cleaners." 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣👍👍🙈

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. 

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. 

Over the next few minutes, he explained that his company had gone through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go - It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. 

Then, she showed him stock certificates issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were the largest stockholders in the bank. 

She explained that for 30 years, she had charged him for sex and these holdings were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!". 

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

 

Mrs Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, ‘Top o’ the mornin’ To ye! Aren’t ye Mrs Donovan And didn’t I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?’

She replied, ‘Aye, that ye did, Father.’

The Father asked, ‘And be there Any wee little ones yet?’

She replied, ‘No, not yet, Father.’

The Father said,

‘Well now, I’m going to Rome next week And I’ll light a fertility candle for ye And yer husband.’

She replied, ‘Oh, thank ye, Father…’ They then parted ways..

Some years later they met again.

The Father asked, ‘Well now, Mrs Donovan, how are ye these days?’

She replied, ‘Oh, very well, Father!’

The Father asked, ‘And tell me, Have ye any wee ones yet?’

She replied, ‘Oh yes, Father!

Two sets of twins and six singles, Ten in all!’

The Father said, ‘That’s wonderful!

And how is yer loving hoosband doing?’

She replied, ‘E’s gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin’ candle!!!

 

After World War II, an American soldier was going back to London from the front.

He was on a very crowded train and was looking for a seat, but the only empty one was next to an older lady, and she had her pet poodle on it.

He said, “Please, madam, I’m very tired. May I please sit here?”

The lady replied, “No. My precious little poodle, Miss Fluffy, is sitting here.”

The soldier walked the length of the train again with no luck,

so he went back to the same seat next to the same woman and said,

“Please, Madam, I have been fighting at the front for months, my feet hurt and I’m very tired. May I please sit here?”

The woman told him, “I cannot believe how rude you are! I have already told you that my darling little Miss Fluffy is sitting here.”

At that, the American lost his temper, picked up the poodle and threw it out the window.

An elderly man who was sitting across the compartment looked at the American soldier and said,

“You Americans do everything wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you eat with the wrong hand and now you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!”

A farmer had 5 female pigs but times were hard and he needed a solution.

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decided to drive 30 miles each morning and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon (the only vehicle he had) and drove the 30 miles.

While the pigs were in the field mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they'll be pregnant. If they're lying in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week and the farmers were worn out.

The next morning, one was too tired to even get out of bed. So he called out to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "They're in the station wagon. And one of them is honking the horn."