A blonde was walking her dogs when a man walking in the opposite direction says

“oh my, you have such beautiful dogs.. what are their names?”

The blonde replies

“Well, the taller one is Timex and the shorter one is Rolex.”

The man responds

“Huh.. that’s interesting.. why did you name them such names?”

The blonde sighs and shakes her head.

“Everyone keeps asking me the same thing…

duhh, what else can you name your watch dogs??”

 

Hello?Why Parents DrinkThe boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick. So he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ''Is your daddy home?' 'Small voice whispered, 'Yes, he's out in the garden,''May I talk with him?'The child whispered, 'No.' ;So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?''Yes she's out in the garden too''The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?'Again the 'No'.'Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked,' Is anybody else there? ''Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman. 'Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?''No, He's busy,' whispered the child. 'Busy doing what?''Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men. 'Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?''It's a helicopter' answered the whispering voice.'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.'The search team just landed a helicopter''A search team?' said the boss. 'What are they searching for?'Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle ... 'ME'

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee and says, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued... "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too," she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today."

There were three nuns, they all told the priest that they were going to do one sin each.

So the priest says ok, do your sins, come back, and I’ll bless you.

So, they went to do their sins and came back to get blessed.

The priest asked the first one who was laughing what her sin was. She said, “I had spend a night with a guy.”

The priest said ok, blessed her and said go drink some holy water.

So she did! The next one was laughing harder, and the priest asked her what her sin was.

She said, “I got in a fight with another nun.” So he says ok, blessed her and told her to go drink some holy water. So she did.

The priest asked the last one who was laughing even harder what she did.

And as she was laughing she said, “I p**sed in the holy water!”

A very sick woman on her sick bed said to her husband: Honey if I die, how long would it take you before you marry a another wife…?!

The man replied: Till your grave becomes dry my love.

Then she said: Are you promising me this…?

Husband replied: Of course darling… I promise you.

And after her demise, her husband began to visit her grave everyday for a period of one year.

And the grave was always wet, it never became dry…!!!

And a day came when he visited the graveyard in the evening, he found her brother in the graveyard.

He then asked him: Jason what are you doing here…?

He replied: I’m fulfilling the wish of my only sister. She said I should please come here everyday to wet her grave.

 

A husband is late coming home from work and phones his wife.

She says: “Where the hell are you?”

Husband: “Darling, do you remember that jewelry shop where you saw a necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn’t have the money that time but I said baby it’ll be yours one day.”

Wife: “Aaaah yes, I remember my love.”

Husband: “Well, I am in the pub next to that shop!”

A burglar breaks into a house that is completely dark.

He turns on his flashlight and proceeds to the family room where he intends to start bagging small items and work his way up to the big items.

While he is beginning to collect valuables, he hears a voice…

“Jesus is watching.”

This startles the burglar, who quickly glances around with the flashlight but doesn’t see or hear anything else.

The burglar shrugs it off and continues.

“Jesus is watching.” The voice states again, in a more warning tone.

The burglar shines his light in the direction of the voice and sees a parrot.

“Did you say that?” He asks.

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Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where the conversation turned to the subject of marriage.

Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer.

Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a computer instead.

During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring.

Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted:

“Well, don’t you have something to ask me?”

Dave then got down on bended knee.

“Honey,” he said, “Will you buy me a new computer?”