Two guys are walking down the road with their dogs,

one guy has a doberman and the other has a chihuahua, when they come across a restaurant.

They want to go in but there’s a sign on the door that says “no pets allowed – service dogs only”.

The guy with the doberman says, “don’t worry I got this.”

He proceeds to put on a dark pair of sunglasses and walks inside.

The manager comes up to him and says, “sir, you can’t have your dog in here.”

The man replies, you don’t understand, this is my seeing guide dog.”

Skeptical, the manager asks, “your guide dog is a doberman?”

The man replies, “you see, a doberman helps protect me against burglars.”

The manager lets him through.

The chihuahua guy sees this and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and walks inside.

The manager approaches him and says, “sir, you can’t bring your dog in here.”

The man replies, “you don’t understand, this is my seeing guide dog.”

The manager, ever so skeptical, asks, “your guide dog is a chihuahua?”

The man, quick to think, says, “a chihuahua? They gave me a chihuahua

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith…

…for advice about enlarging her b***bs.

He tells her, “Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the tip of your fronts and say, “Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger b**bies.”

She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great shapes!

One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

At this point she loved her new shapes and didn’t want to lose them, so right in the middle of the bus–“Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger b***bies.”

A guy sitting nearby asked her, “Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?”

“Why, yes, I do. How did you know?”

“Hickory dickory dock

A man dies and goes to hell
Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.”

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more.
They are all similarly gruesome.
However, at Nigerian Hell a long line of people is waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, “What do they do here?”

He is told: “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.”

“But that’s the same as the others,” says the man.
“Why are so many people waiting to get in?”

“Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work.
The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable.
And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in,
signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business

Once a drunk husband arrived late at his home, He rang the bell..

Wife : where have you been till this late, I am not going to open the door.
Sleep outside on the road tonight.

There was a well beside their house.

Husband : I’ll Jump into well If you don’t open the door.

Wife : Do whatever you have to do, I won’t open the door tonight.

Husband picks a big stone and threw it into the well,
wife opens the door and ran towards the well.
Husband enters the house and locked it from inside.

Wife : Open the door, otherwise I’ll shout and people will gather here.

Husband : Let them gather,
I’ll ask you in front of them that from where are you coming this late and that too in night wear.

 

There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry.

So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money.

She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.”

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man.

She said, “I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much.”

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest.

She says, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.”

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money.

Finally, being the mere man he was, he decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

 

An elephant and a dog got pregnant at same time. In the space of 3 month the dog gave birth to six puppies. The dog took in again 6 month later  and in the 9th month gave birth to another dozen puppies. The pattern continued.

On the Eighteenth month the dog proud-fully approached the elephant and questioned,
 “Are you sure you are pregnant or just carrying the look of it? We became pregnant on the same date, I have given birth three times to a dozen puppies and they are now grown to become big dogs, yet you are still pregnant. Whats going on?”.

The elephant smiled luxuriously

and replied,  “There is something I want you to understand. What I am carrying is not a puppy but an elephant. I only give birth to one in two years. When my baby hits the ground, the earth feels it. When she crosses the road, human beings stop and watch in admiration, what I carry  is mighty and draws attention. So don’t you do any comparison because we are not mate anywhere.”

Lesson

Don’t be haters of those that have success, don’t be envious and do not talk them down if you haven’t receive your own blessing from GOD.

When two men have make love what position are they going to be in?

But what about when two dogs have make love?

That means that the two men are having lovemaking doggy style then what ways are the dogs having make love?

That means that the dogs are having an affair with the men to have make love doggy style.

A blonde once got lost near a river.

She traveled up and down it searching for a way to get to the other side.

She tried walking in the shallow part of the river, and she even tried grabbing onto a branch that stretched half way across the river to try to swing to the other side.

No matter how hard she tried she couldn’t get across.

After many failed attempts, she finally felt like giving up.

Yet, at the last moment, she saw a person walking by and decided to follow her across the bridge.