A guy was running for an elevator and he stuck his hand in to stop the doors, and the doors opened.

Inside stood a blonde.

He said, “Good morning, which floor are you going to?”

She responded, “3rd floor.”

He pushed the 3rd floor button, plus the 5th floor for himself.

As the elevator started moving the gentleman struck up a conversation and asked the blonde where she was going.

She said, “I’m going to the blood bank on the 3rd floor; I donate blood once a week for $10 to supplement my income.”

Then she asked the gentleman where he was going.

He responded, “I’m going to the seed bank on the 5th floor; I donate seed there once a week for $50 to supplement my income”.

The next week the same scenario happens.

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A guy goes to a house of call girl.

He selects a girl, pays her $200 up front, and he gets undressed.

She’s about to take off her sheer blue negligee, when the fire alarms rings!

She runs out of the room, with his $200 still in her hand.

He quickly grabs his clothes and runs out after her.

He’s searching the building, but the smoke gets too heavy, so he runs outside looking for her.

By this time, the firemen are there.

He sees one of them and asks, “Did you see a beautiful blonde, in a sheer blue negligee, with $200 in her hand?”

The fireman says, “No!”

The guy then says, “Well if you see her, make love her. It’s paid for.”

 

One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop.

The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled “Viens Chez Moi.”

The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, “Come to Me.”

So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend,

“Does this smell like come to you? Because it doesn’t smell like come to me.”

An old cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He’s crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a FEMA ID badge and a dull grey dress.

There’s a calculator in her pocketbook.

She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

“Well, cowboy,” says the genie… “You know how I work. You have three wishes.”

“I’m not falling for this.” said the cowboy.

“I’m not going to trust a FEMA genie.”

“What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and it looks like you’re a goner anyway!”

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.

“OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.”

**POOF**

The old cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

“OK, cowpoke, what’s your second wish.”

“My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.”

**POOF**

The cowboy finds himself ...

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During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students…

 

 

“Students, If you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom. Michael?”

Michael: “Just a minute, I have to go pee.”

 

Teacher: “That would be rude and impolite! What about you Peter? How would you say it?”

Peter: “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.”

Teacher: “That’s better, but it’s ...

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No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

 Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and ...

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ARTHUR IS 75 YEARS OLD AND PLAYED GOLF EVERY DAY SINCE HIS RETIREMENT 15 YEARS AGO.

One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea.

As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes a ...

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A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley:

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to ...

CONTINUE READING >