Mrs Murphy and Mrs. Cohen had been longtime close friends.

But being old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own respective religion.

It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen,

so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend.

When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses.

Mrs. Murphy said,

“Don’t be holdin’ back, Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it here?”

Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility, and the caretakers.

Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said,

“But the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend.”

Mrs. Murphy said, “Now isn’t that wonderful! Tell me all about it.”

Mrs. Cohen said,

“After lunch, we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and then we sing Jewish songs.”

Mrs. Murphy said,

“For sure it’s a blessing. I’m so glad for you Mrs. Cohen.

Mrs. Cohen said, “And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?”

Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility and that she also had a boyfriend.

Mrs. Cohen said, “Good for you! So what do you do?”

Mrs. Murphy says,

“We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below.”

Mrs. Cohen said,

“Yes? And then….?”

Mrs. Murphy said…

“Well, since we don’t know any Jewish songs, we fuck.”

 

 A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."

 

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.

 I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.

 She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

 I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'

 So she unwrapped the package,

 took one out and slipped it over her thumb.

 She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty.

 It was empty. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.

 Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.

 'Do these excite you ?' She asked.

 Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.

 She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

 As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

 So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.

 She looked at me with a bit of a frown.

 'Did you put that condom on ?' she asked.

 I said, 'I sure did"and held up my thumb to show her!.

  

CHUCKLE OF THE DAY: Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes sir, I know, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.”

“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I’ll try harder.”

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, “It's odd though, you coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning so late and so often?"

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. 

He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, "Good morning General, can I get your coffee sir?"

 

This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn't feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.

My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn't say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered.

 I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o'clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me." I said, “Thanks, Joanne, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let's go!”

We went to lunch but not where we'd normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Joanne said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” I replied with “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m gonna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.” "Okay." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there…

On the bed…

Naked.

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s&x, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you.

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any V@seline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"