This is something that happened at an assisted living center. The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a cen...

70+ year old ones - read this 70+ year old ones - read this

 


This is something that happened at an assisted living center.


The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria.


One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK.


She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.


An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs.


He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right.


She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.


When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to getup even the first step so they called an ambulance for him.


A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.


Send this to your children so that they don't sell the house before they know all the facts. 

  Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear Grand-daughter, The other day I went up to our local Ch...

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

 

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma 

  During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students… “Students, If you were on a date, having supper with a nice you...

DIRTY JOHNNY DIRTY JOHNNY

 


During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students…


“Students, If you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom. Michael?”


Michael: “Just a minute, I have to go pee.”


Teacher: “That would be rude and impolite! What about you Peter? How would you say it?”


Peter: “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.”


Teacher: “That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?”


Johnny: “I would say: ‘Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope you’ll get to meet after supper.”


The teacher fainted!!




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Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he...

Chuckle of today: Should've Paid Attention in Biology Class Chuckle of today: Should've Paid Attention in Biology Class







Here's what happened:



Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.




“He's just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?”




I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.




“Honey,” I called, “come look at the lizard!”




"Oh my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."




"What?" my sound requested. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!”




I was equally outraged.




“Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,” I said accusingly to my wife.




“Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?” she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).




“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).




“Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.




"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know!" she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).




By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.




"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,” I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.”




“Oh, fat!” they shrieked.




"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?” my wife wanted to know.




We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.




“We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted.




“It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.




“Do something, Dad!” my son urged.




“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.




“Should I call 911?” my eldest daughter wanted to know. “Maybe they could talk to us through the trauma.” (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)




“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly.




We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.




“Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.




“I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for G~d's sake.).




The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.




“What do you think, Doc, a C-section?” I suggested scientifically.




“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs.. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?”




I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.




“Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.




“Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us. ‘This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And, occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um...um . . . masturbating. Just the way he did, lying on his back.” He blushed, glancing at my wife.




We were silent, absorbing this.




“So, Ernie’s just...just...excited?”, my wife offered.




“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood.




More silent. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.




"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.




Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little...”




She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.




“That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.




“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you did, Dad.” he told me.




“Oh, you have NO idea,” my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.




Two lizards: $140.


One cage: $50.


Trip to the vet: $30.


Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!




Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs!........

  An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and inf...

An old lady sits on her front porch An old lady sits on her front porch

 


An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.


"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.


"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.


"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF ***


There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten.


With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."