Grandma Jokes

Husband & Wife were watching TV when Wife said, “I’m tired, and it’s getting late. I think I’ll go to bed.” She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day’s lunches.

Rinsed out the bowls, took vegetable out of the freezer for morning, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.She then ironed a shirt and secured a loose button.She picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer.She emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry.She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom.

She signed a birthday card for a friend, Addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store.

She put both near her bag.Then she washed her face, put on her moisturizer, brushed her teeth…..

Husband called out,“I thought you were going to bed.”“I’m on my way,” she said.

She put some water into the dog’s dish, then made sure the doors were locked.She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps and radios, and had a brief conversation with one kid who is still up doing homework.In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day.Said her prayers, and visualized the accomplishment of her goals. about that time,Husband turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular.“I’m going to bed.”

And he did… without another thought.

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Weight Loss Program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 lbs that week.

Roof Bear

A man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers." He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and I’ll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.

When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.

The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

…and each time they gossip and spill tea, and do their makeup, and each time before they leave they write a message on the mirror with their lipstick. Sometimes they write the name of the boy they like, sometimes draw a hand giving the world the finger. every day at the end of the day, the sad old janitor comes in to the bathroom and scrubs the lipstick away. eventually after many days, the principal calls the 3 girls down 5th period after a student snitched. the principal takes them to the bathroom and calls over the janitor. There is already the frowning face drawn in lipstick from 4th period and the girls looked at it and sneered and laughed. the principal says “apologize to the janitor for making him clean up your mess!” and the girls just rolled their eyes.

so the principal says to the girls, “now watch what you put the poor janitor through every day!” and so the janitor shrugs, takes his sponge, goes to the toilet, submerges the sponge in the toilet, comes back to the mirror and scrubs the lipstick away.

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.

As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding.

Can I see your driver's license?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.

Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross the center line back there."

"Can I see your registration please?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.

She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over.

As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time, he's stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no...... not the Breathalyzer again!"

Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says:

“Your b*tt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.”

With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife’s b0ttom.

“Yes, I was right, your b*tt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!”

The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky.

He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

She answers,

“Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-a$s grill for one little ween!e?

A beautiful woman is sitting next to the little johnny on a plane.

There is terrible turbulence and then the plane goes into a sudden nosedive.

The Captain comes on the intercom and says

“I hate to have to tell you this folk, but we might not walk away from this one.”

Everyone begins to panic except for johnny who sheepishly turns to the woman and says,

“I hate to trouble you miss, but we might die and I’ve never kissed anyone.”

The woman is at first taken aback but after a moment realizes she might as well make the kid happy in their final moments.

She passionately kisses him.

Johnny, elated, goes on,

“Sorry to bother you again after such a lovely kiss, but we might die and I’ve never felt a bre@st.”

Again the woman is taken aback but decides there is no harm in it and slides his hand under her shirt.

After a good long feel, the little Johnny again says

“you’ve been so kind already but please, I don’t want to die never having gotten a bl0w job.”

Already committed to helping this boy have new experiences before they die, the woman smiles and begins to undo his belt.

Just then the plane levels off.

As everyone exits the plane they shake hands with the captain and congratulate him.

The woman walks off the plain she says

“thank you so much for saving us from certain death.”

The Little Johnny shouts

“just a little longer next time dad!”

The TV crew decides to visit a hundred years old man living alone in a cabin in the woods

When they go there they see he is chopping wood and carrying it all by himself.

He is active and healthy and has a body of a forty-year-old man.

They ask him

“What is your secret?” and the old man tells them a story:

“Seventy years ago, there was a huge blizzard that came out of nowhere.

It was winter, but it wasn’t too cold for a week and it was only lightly snowing when suddenly the wind started blowing and the snowing intensified.

I went outside to call my dog when I barely saw a weak light coming from the woods.

Surely someone got lost and was now trying to find a way to safety.

I started calling for my dog, but I knew the lost person would hear me. Sure enough, the light started getting stronger and stronger until finally, I could see a silhouette of a man holding a flashlight.

When he came close enough, I ran to help him. You couldn’t see more than twenty feet and I didn’t want to risk getting myself lost as well. I helped the man get inside the cabin and my dog ran in a few seconds later. I closed the door with great difficulty because the wind was blowing so hard.

I then helped the man get his jacket and boots off and sat him next to the fireplace.

The man was in shock but without injuries. I poured both of us a glass of whiskey to calm down and then a bowl of stew I was preparing.

The man calmed down and started thanking me. He said he really thought he was a dead man until he heard me calling my dog. He gathered last bits of his energy and walked towards the voice.

When we finished eating, we decided to both go to bed. But I only had one bed so we would have to share. No problem, we thought, because it was very cold, and our bodies would keep each other warm.

Well, one thing leads to another and we started touching each other, then kissing and then making love. Even though we were both exhausted from what happened, we made love the whole night and that was the most passionate love I ever made in my life.

In the morning, the weather cleared up and after breakfast, the man put on his jacket, gathered his things and said he had to go.

His wife and three children were expecting him and must be mortified because he didn’t come home. He then gave me the juiciest kiss on the cheeks and left. I watched him go and realized I didn’t even ask his name. That was the last time I saw him.”