So I am at Walmart scanning and bagging my almost $300 worth of groceries while the employee that wants $15 an hour "monitors" and then this happened.

Her - why are you double bagging all of your groceries?

Me - excuse me?

Her - you are wasting our bags!

Me - if you don't like the way I'm bagging the groceries, feel free to come on over here and bag them yourself.

Her - that's not my job!

Me - okay, then I will bag my groceries how I please if that's all right with you.

Her - why are you using two bags?!

Me - because the bags are weak and I don't want the handles to break or the bottoms to rip out.

Her - well that's because you are putting too much stuff in the bag. If you took half of that stuff out and put it in a different bag then you wouldn't need to double bag.

*10 seconds of me just staring at her.

Me - so you want me to split these items in half and put half of them in a different bag so that I don't have to double bag.

Her - exactly.

Me - so I would still be using two bags to hold the same number of items.

Her - no because you wouldn't be double bagging.

*me pressing two fingers to my left eye in an attempt to make it stop twitching.

Me - okay so here I have a jug of milk and a bottle of juice double bagged. If I take the milk out and remove the double bagging and just put the milk in the single bag and the juice in that single bag I'm still using two bags for these two items.

Her- no because you are not double bagging them so it's not the same number of bags.

*me looking around at about 10 other customers who at this point are enjoying the show.

Me- is this like that Common Core math stuff I keep hearing about?

Her- never mind you just don't get it.

And with that, she went back to her little Podium so she could continue texting or playing games on her phone or whatever it was she was doing before she decided to come over and critique my bagging skills.😂

  

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove down town to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, "Just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys."

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."

"Believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

 

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up and says to the monkey

"Hey, what're you doing?"

The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few joints.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to get a drink from the river.

The lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and wanders into the jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint.

The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!"

The monkey looks down and says, "F*ck man! How much water did you drink?!?"

 

 

An elderly lady decided to celebrate her 70th birthday by spending the night in an expensive hotel. When she left the next morning, the receptionist gave her a $250.00 bill. She exploded and wanted to know why the charge was so high.

“It’s a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren’t worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn’t even have breakfast.” The clerk told her that $250.00 is the ‘standard rate’, so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

 

The manager appeared and was announced by the front desk: “This hotel has an Olympic size pool and a large conference center, available.” “But I did not use it,” she says. “Well, they are here and you could,” explained the manager.

He further stated that she may have seen one of the hotel’s shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best artists in the world here,” said the director. “But I did not attend any of these shows,” she said.

“Well, we have them and you could,” replied the manager. Regardless of the arrangements mentioned by the manager, she replied: “But I did not use it!” And the manager responded with his standard answer. After a few minutes of discussion with the manager, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to her. The manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

“But madam, this check is for only $50.00.” “That’s correct. I charged You $200.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied. “But I didn’t!” exclaims the very surprised Manager.

“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.” Don’t mess with Senior Citizens!!!

 

Husband & Wife were watching TV when Wife said, “I’m tired, and it’s getting late. I think I’ll go to bed.” She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day’s lunches.

Rinsed out the bowls, took vegetable out of the freezer for morning, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.She then ironed a shirt and secured a loose button.She picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer.She emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry.She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom.

She signed a birthday card for a friend, Addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store.

She put both near her bag.Then she washed her face, put on her moisturizer, brushed her teeth…..

Husband called out,“I thought you were going to bed.”“I’m on my way,” she said.

She put some water into the dog’s dish, then made sure the doors were locked.She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps and radios, and had a brief conversation with one kid who is still up doing homework.In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day.Said her prayers, and visualized the accomplishment of her goals. about that time,Husband turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular.“I’m going to bed.”

And he did… without another thought.

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